"I am so modern I am a neurotic"

Kircheim 26

"it feels like a pressure inside of your head. Like you want to say something but it is hardly articulated. You just feel like if you are losing control of yourself. Then you get angry and your thoughts blurry. You start thinking about all what bothers you. The past starts unfolding infront of you, but it is a oast related to the angry feeling you are suffering. Feelings have memories. They associate themselves with what triggers them before. When I feel this way is with my oarents because they know how tontrigger this unconfortable feelings in me. They have the right words. Sometimes I think they do it intentionally, but if it is intentional there is a sadistic side attached to it because no one should detonate all the negativity which is hidden and latent inside of every person. It is also a very unproductive state of mind because you cannot fully express anything besides anger which is not benefical for anyone. Anyway, I think it is pointless to keep saying someone what they should have done, because the past is long gone and you cannot fix the future with a blink of an eye, as if you can just undone it and start anew at any given moment. You habe to rethink, and thinking is a tough process and it takes time. You have to re-evaluate what you have done in the oast to figure out how not repeat the same mistakes twice. Like ending up in Heidelberg with your oarents when you just quit your job, without a job prospect in the future, without money and without the skills and papers needed to sustain your habits by yourself. They scream at you for your independence but what I think they are saying is leave us alone and become deoendent of someone else because we don't want you anymore. No one is completely independent. Everyone needs money to sur ive and to get money you need to work and have a job and that means you need to be dependent from someone else, from someone who doesn't even give a fuck about who you are because they are paying you for making them richer than they are. If you fail to give them that something they will lay you off without remorse because there are millions of people out there who can take your place and make the job better. You fail. You are worthless. Go back and self-loath again in your childhood room. Look at your parents age. Listen carecully their words of wisdom because hidden in them is the reasin why you failed. You and your ideals, you and your pitty will."

Amy turned off the tv and went to bed. She was tired of this endless monologue at tv. She thought that how could someone be making a living telling the world about his neurosis. She couldnt locate the art side of it. SHE THOUGHT ABOUT post modernism and then occured to her about maybe it is hyper realism. She conceptualized the concept at her philosiphy se inar in the University of Berlin. She went to wikipedia and research about the famous people who studied there. She spot Arendt, Hegel, Weber and Goebbels. The ham in her bag started to stink. She bought it a Rewe so she could save some money instead of eatimg outside. Now all her clothes smelt like cheap salami, she was embarrases so she throw it to a garbage can. 

She sat in the park, it had been raining for the last couple of days but todays was sunny. She opened her book about Hegel. She then read:

Schulgasse 6

"Hegel entered through these doors. It was summer of 1816 and he was 36 years old. after carefully revised all his options he decided Heidelberg because he thought it was a quiet place to work on his philosophical essays. After his Phenomenology of the Spirit bombed he was with a low confidence. He sacrifized so much for this seminal work. All his friends were already in stable job positions and he was still undecided what was going to be his next move. So Heidelberg seemed like the better shot. The rent was cheaper also and he would be able then to move to Jena with better knowledge about the history of philosophy. Fichte was already making shockwaves in the philosophy world and he was very excited he could have time to read him and the possibility to meet Schelling. The first night he spent wandering around Univeersitatpltatz and wanted to see a Beethoven concert but he didnt have enough money so he decided to stay outside of the theater to have a glimpse of what was happening there. "

the non-purpose of traveling

Traveling serves many purposes and at the same time non. Long gone are the days when you feel you just disconnected from everything just because you are in somewhere far from where you define home, at will. The same desires remain, the same preoccupations are in mind but the backgrounds are different. What changes is the superstructures, the architecture and the colors which are defined from the dominant culture from where you are. Long gone are the days when you could just transverse your fantasies and left them in the realm of the private pron to redemption, joy and guilt. Is this not a sign of an hyper-homogeniezed era? 

a song for new years eve

Casi 2009 from Orangegután Lab on Myspace.

I recorded this song with Chenrry. It was a couple of hours before the end of 2008. I don't play instruments, Chenrry does, but I like to mess around keyboards and guitars when no one is listening. Anyway, this was the end result of our collaboration. We had recorded 3 tracks, but they are hard to find, they are somewhere, I'm sure.

i like roy lichtenstein

when i say i like something

i

don't always mean i'm stating it is good, or it is provocative or it is politically engaged

it just had something which makes me enjoy it

then i feel bad about it

because i just got into it

but fuck it

who cares

it is not like i'm buying monsanto stocks

or voting for my locally right wing party

a man with a gun

I

A man took his rifle and went out for a walk.

He was not sure why he did this action, he was supposed to be at his living room watching feeds and thinking about the never-ending streaming of information that pop-ups in his screen.

The TV was on, he never pays attention to it, he uses it to block outside noises, the white-noise had a soothing effect to him, it helps him to relax.

“Where did this rifle came from?”

He could not remember, he detests guns, he didn't even knew he had one but nonetheless it was there, and it was the right time to use it.

The city was calm and cold, it was a brisk afternoon of early spring in the northern hemisphere. A red cardinal flew next to him and with ease started to sing for a quick moment and then departed to its private destiny.

He hadn't thought much about this, he was used to the local fauna and his mind was still revolting from what he had on his mind. To shoot that bastard that took everything from him.

But who was him? Why he was having this desire now? So many things had passed since the event. He was such an average person for having such a crazy drive. He was supposed to be drinking scotch, alone in his flat, and now he is outside, with the world at his knees, waiting for unload the charge to his target and he could not stop now. He could not withdraw from his purpose. His future was sealed and he will be remembered. His name will be all around the press and he will get the obstinate recognition he had been longing for for so long.

A deer stood in front of him. It started to pronounce over and over

“But you know that you will not get there”

“Shut up!” the man screamed to it, “you are a deer, you cannot talk!” the deer just stare at him for a moment and replied “you know that you know you don't know” and then it got lost in the midst. The man was confused, “what was that? what is happening to me? This could not be real, I'm not supposed to be this man, I didn't even know how this rifle came to my hand and why am I supposed to kill that bastard who I don't even know what did to me!”. He stopped and smoked a cigarette, the action of exhaling smoke appeal to him. He had been smoking since he was 18 and promised to himself to stop at 30, but he was 40 now and he stopped doing promises he cannot fulfil to himself a long time ago.

The man started thinking this was all a dream, but what a curious dream it was, he never had a dream so real as this, he wanted to wake up, but he couldn't so he proceed with his desire. He thought “if this is a dream let's see where does it takes me, eventually I will wake up”. What he didn't know is that unfortunately it was everything but a dream. He kept walking, until he got into an intersection, a bus was parked there and suddenly he heard someone shouting at him, he turned his back and saw this man with a red cap, brown velvet and a gaze staring at the skies, he told him “I will take you where no-one else have taken you before, because I know” and made a follow me sign and got inside of his bus. The man stood there for a moment, thinking, “what the hell it's all this about? Ok, I told myself to just follow the dream as it unfolds and stop questioning what seems to be real” .

II

The bus driver turn on the radio and a voice started “Due to climate change new droughts are expected, this will have a direct impact in the price of grain”, the bus driver mutter something and then added “this world is going to hell”, the man nod in approbation and then he changed the station, the voice of Edith Piaf was singing “Je ne regrette rien” and thought aloud “man, I love that voice”, the bus driver replied with excitement “Do you like Edith Piaf?!” “Yeah, who doesn't?” “Well, you are the first person I know that likes her, I'm surrounded most of the time with idiots”, then an awkward silence followed. “Man, I don't like these modern times, everything is so depressing, when was the last time you felt alive staring at something contemporary?” “I don't remember” “that's my point, there is nothing to appreciate right now, that's the state of affairs we are in”. He kept driving for hours, and the man didn't asked about where they were heading, “it's all part of this crazy dream”. He felt into a deep dream.

The bus driver woke him up, “we're here”. They were in what seems a downtown area of an average city. “Let's go for a coffee”. While walking he saw this young man deeply immersed in a book, then he raised and pointed to the direction of the man and said out loud “Ill n'ya pas un rapport sexual” and then went on to his reading again. “That was certainly odd”, he thought but he just followed the bus driver into a coffee shop without thinking much about what just happened, he discarded as a “post-modern statement young people make these days”.

The coffee shop was full of students getting ready for their long day at school, getting bagels and stuff students eat. “What do you want? Be splendid, there is a long road still ahead” '”Just a cup of coffee and a bagel” “OK then! but you had been advised”. The cooker growled when he received the order and started fixing it mechanically. “There you go, now leave and please never come bac”'. “Man, the hospitality of these people is jawbreaking”, and they went to the park to eat their stuff. While there the man started getting anxious, “please, could you tell me what is this all about, I'm supposed to be at my office right now but instead I'm with a complete stranger traveling to an unknown destiny while I'm carrying a gun ready to kill that bastard”. “What are you worried about? Look at me as a medium, you need me to carry on what you know you have to do.” “But precisely that is the problem, I know but at the same time I don't know where this knowing came from, yesterday i was just...2 A boy with a bicycle suddenly stopped in front of them and said “the man with the gun, please follow me”, the bus driver just weaved and said “my duty is fulfil, good luck” and went away and got lost into the multitude.

III

The Gambit

“I’ve never thought about that”. He said in a mysteriously voice. He cried a couple of hours ago without any reason. He was 30 years old. “I’m waste, and I cannot keep trying”, he thought repeatedly, without finding any voice of consolation. “You have to think positive, if you cannot at least do that you should go to a psychiatrist” his mother frequently replied to him while outbursting in anger about his situation, “but I don’t see any problem! that’s the problem! I just don’t want to be medicated and set into a straight line! Ups and downs are part of the human nature!” he said losing his temper, “I cannot help you, it’s all your fault, if you don’t like to be here you just have to leave” she said, “it’s not that easy, I don’t know where to go, I’m worthless, I cannot survive by my own” he quietly sigh to himself and returned to his childhood bedroom while lying on bed, and putting his headphones and immersing himself in a deep melancholia while listening to Ambient 1 / Music For Airports by Brian Eno on youtube. He thought briefly about how amazing the internet was, how easy was to get all the stuff that he liked with just a click, how convenient his savvy knowledge about computers have being so far, always bragging with his father about how smart he felt compared to other people who he described kindly as idiots at expense of his father

I just feel

     To start

 A new

      There is something in my which is not well

   Within myself

        I heard it

On my dreams

       Something                                s
                                                   m
                                                 a  
It                                            e
     is                                     r
         not                            d
               well           in your
         but                             it
  I will                                    see        
start                                            will
       again                              you
               a 1,000 miles away