Kircheim 26
"it feels like a pressure inside of your head. Like you want to say something but it is hardly articulated. You just feel like if you are losing control of yourself. Then you get angry and your thoughts blurry. You start thinking about all what bothers you. The past starts unfolding infront of you, but it is a oast related to the angry feeling you are suffering. Feelings have memories. They associate themselves with what triggers them before. When I feel this way is with my oarents because they know how tontrigger this unconfortable feelings in me. They have the right words. Sometimes I think they do it intentionally, but if it is intentional there is a sadistic side attached to it because no one should detonate all the negativity which is hidden and latent inside of every person. It is also a very unproductive state of mind because you cannot fully express anything besides anger which is not benefical for anyone. Anyway, I think it is pointless to keep saying someone what they should have done, because the past is long gone and you cannot fix the future with a blink of an eye, as if you can just undone it and start anew at any given moment. You habe to rethink, and thinking is a tough process and it takes time. You have to re-evaluate what you have done in the oast to figure out how not repeat the same mistakes twice. Like ending up in Heidelberg with your oarents when you just quit your job, without a job prospect in the future, without money and without the skills and papers needed to sustain your habits by yourself. They scream at you for your independence but what I think they are saying is leave us alone and become deoendent of someone else because we don't want you anymore. No one is completely independent. Everyone needs money to sur ive and to get money you need to work and have a job and that means you need to be dependent from someone else, from someone who doesn't even give a fuck about who you are because they are paying you for making them richer than they are. If you fail to give them that something they will lay you off without remorse because there are millions of people out there who can take your place and make the job better. You fail. You are worthless. Go back and self-loath again in your childhood room. Look at your parents age. Listen carecully their words of wisdom because hidden in them is the reasin why you failed. You and your ideals, you and your pitty will."
Amy turned off the tv and went to bed. She was tired of this endless monologue at tv. She thought that how could someone be making a living telling the world about his neurosis. She couldnt locate the art side of it. SHE THOUGHT ABOUT post modernism and then occured to her about maybe it is hyper realism. She conceptualized the concept at her philosiphy se inar in the University of Berlin. She went to wikipedia and research about the famous people who studied there. She spot Arendt, Hegel, Weber and Goebbels. The ham in her bag started to stink. She bought it a Rewe so she could save some money instead of eatimg outside. Now all her clothes smelt like cheap salami, she was embarrases so she throw it to a garbage can.
She sat in the park, it had been raining for the last couple of days but todays was sunny. She opened her book about Hegel. She then read:
Schulgasse 6
"Hegel entered through these doors. It was summer of 1816 and he was 36 years old. after carefully revised all his options he decided Heidelberg because he thought it was a quiet place to work on his philosophical essays. After his Phenomenology of the Spirit bombed he was with a low confidence. He sacrifized so much for this seminal work. All his friends were already in stable job positions and he was still undecided what was going to be his next move. So Heidelberg seemed like the better shot. The rent was cheaper also and he would be able then to move to Jena with better knowledge about the history of philosophy. Fichte was already making shockwaves in the philosophy world and he was very excited he could have time to read him and the possibility to meet Schelling. The first night he spent wandering around Univeersitatpltatz and wanted to see a Beethoven concert but he didnt have enough money so he decided to stay outside of the theater to have a glimpse of what was happening there. "
